peace, peace to him who is far off and to him who is near

2011-06-21T05:51:00.000-07:00

favoire playlist on yotube

im so active right now. making appointments. i so enjoy being alone in my room i mean...i miss people all the time but its nice to get things done.

MÅne skrivning/Everybody wants to be somebody

2011-06-13T15:58:00.000-07:00

Min computer siger man ikke kan se andet måne end nogle grå skyer. Det er ok. Jeg er i hvert fald oppe.

Jeg sagde en ting til min præst i søndags. At jeg gerne officielt vil lægger det der fra mig med at opdele ting i kasser og sort og hvid kategorier. Og at jeg nogengange enten tænker om mig selv som vildt anderledes eller også er jeg vildt ordinær. Begge er ekstrem umotiverende. Og skaber ikke den mindste kende at tilhørsforhold. Men hvor skule jeg også høre til?

HVad med i en historie af kvinder der tør hvor andre tier. Der tror på sin sag og som kæmper imod det. dem der ikke vil rejse sig for en hvid man. er der ikke også nogle ting jeg ikke vil rejse mig for? hvad med de personer der har kæmper hårdt for at andre skulle have det godt? Hvad med dem, der gennem kunst skaber et enormt vakuum af forståelse, accept og empati? Dem der hjælper andre ved forståelse og ved at give dem fred gennem kunst, skønhed og enfølelse af at hænge sammen med universet.

Jeg skrier dette her, fordi jeg ikkke har mit latterlige hæfte i nærheden. fordi jeg bare har de her ekstremer i mig og jeg føler je gikke kommer nogen vejne. De gange jeg kæmper går det ikke. Jeg vil nu hermed prøve at holde op med at kæmpe. og så gøre de ting jeg er bedst til. sørge for at min energi først og fremmest går til det. Til mine drømme. ikke andres. Mig selv.

Jeg vil kæmpe for ikke at kæmpe???

konflikt inde i mig selv. særlig? normal? hvad hvid jeg skal ud af dete spændingpunkt. indse demonstrationen i mit indre og indse jeg må lave forlig.

hvad med dem der bare vil vinde?

her et billede fra everybody wants to be somebody

2011-03-16T15:48:00.000-07:00

getting dressed.
taking care. being awaRE

lægen sagde at han ville hun skulle sætte pris på livet.

jeg er udmattet.

knust indeni.
forhåbninger. troede jeg kunne sige nej. være stærk. Troede jeg kunne være stærk nok til at passe på mig selv. men jeg havde jo lyst. Men jeg havde jo ingen energi tilbage. Men nu er jeg så træt. Arbejde imorgen. JEg er så ovre i ham. Tilbage. kom tilbage til mig. Kom kom kom tilbage. MIt liv er ingen nydelse. Mit live er sådan her. Besværligt. Det er mit.

Kom tilbage.
Kom og bliv her lidt. inden du forsvinder igen.

Så falsk det er
at skrive her.

så uoverkommeligt det kan være
at ligge der.
og have lyst.

og have lyst til at gå amok i en slikbutik og jeg kommer måske aldrig ud.

jeg mener det. jeg er ikke joker lige nu. jeg er mig. ærlig. hudløs. hvad ellers? min hud er jo skrællet. af. Gud

Er

Du

Der?

Her??

Du skal. Du skal . Du må. STørre end mig selv

Mere en mig selv

Mere.

Sæt hegnet op igen

vil være der hvor du er.

KOm tilbage. datter. jeg er her. åbne arme.

Tak far

Tak far

Tak

Kan ikke sove.

Har du prøvet?

Nix. Gør det. Gør det nu. syng syng syng det. jeg synger dig til ro. Du er blevet misbrugt. af dig selv min kære. KOm tilbage.

KOm kom kom....og bliv...og sov...og bliv..og hvil og vågn op igen på et tidspunkt. og hvil dig. ...og mærk... mig.

Housegroup blezzings

2011-02-11T06:27:00.000-08:00

We gathered together in an apartment pretty close to where the church is situated. I was ill but showed up anyway. Don´t wanna miss out on too many good things anymore. Want to be there and I sense that this is something good. That I´ve found something real. They were having a snack when I came and I thought...´great´. because Im so not going to. SO worried about my health especially when I´m sick. So worried about what I I´ll do in ´weak´ moments.
I managed to drink lots of water and relax that evening. It was a good evening indeed. We worshipped and I let myself get carried away with my friends son who were as spontanious as a kid can be and we all began singing louder and louder while the atmosphere changed into something I would gladly call ... holy spirit infected.
The videos we watched led my mind astray to what I´ve been doing with my life the last month or so.. Whom I´ve been hanging out with and conversations I´ve had with a person that I would say have a lot of space in my life right now. It seems to me there´s a highter meaning behind that coincidence that we´ve met. It´s obvious to me. And why on earth are we watching a video with a speaker that talks about how religious people can be way out of tune with God and how spiritual people are in tune much more? Why have this boy made me realize so much deeper stuff than I´ve been able to on my own? It´s like it´s both his words and when he calls me something. ANd then it´s his actions and the way that he holds me and hugs me..It´s like those things say more than words. It´s like it´s a chapter that I´ve been imagining I could stay away from. Maybe so that I would not get hurt. Or so that I would not hurt no more. The last one is my favorite one of course. Or, I mean, the most precice.
I am thinking about my way of thinking. Why is everything so unperfect and useless in my eyes? When I see my boy I think that he is .. not perfect, but good for me. When I look myself in the mirror I think that it is good, better and not that bad. I think that I have potential. I don´t think that Im really ´there´. COnfidence attracts me. And I have that. But only enough for others if that makes any sense. Only enough to make up for it when im with people. When Im on my own I don´t have that. Im in lack of everthing which makes me addicted of stuff. Makes me wanna control what I can. Instead of just believing. the thing is that I don´t think my problems are grande enough to betaken serious. and the fact that I am in a group that helps eating disordered girls - is a massive change for me. And the fact that I´ve been on a stage, singing, was something not so common. But yet....in those settings...both the group and the stage...those venues are places in which I feel...whole...like Im not yet there but what does that even matter?? It matters very little in those moments in company with people that really sees me. They aren´ just seing my potential they are listening and watching me furfill my purpose. The truth about me is jumping right into their faces, provoking them sometimes...inflicting their thoughts - in ways I can´t control. I just do what I do best. I do my best. I try to be the most true to myself.

Just like writing these lines. I am furfilling my purpose. I am being true to myself. I can´t do much more can I? I thought about just changing my attitude about things. About being a bitch towards the things that I disgust, dislike and brings me down. I thought about avoiding crap. I thought about starting living for myself. And for the things that I believe in. I thought about searching for meaning. For home. I thought about kicking myself in the but to continue going to those places. I thought about saying no to everything else. I thought about stopping talking to everyone and starting talking to those that I love and that inspirers me and that want to have a relationship with me. Im not shallow enough to be doing the other thing.

I thought about starting to be true to myself. ANd not other people. I thought about a new name for this girl. A new identity. And something that tricks people enough to want to follow me. If they dare I mean. Because you cannot always see who is the hero and who´s not. That´s somehow been my biggest lesson.

hvile

2011-01-25T14:37:00.000-08:00

Soaking. Sådan som vi gjorde det i aften. Jeg havde ikke lyst. Stod bare og kiggede ud af vinduet. På det der egentlig var sne. Dejlig mørkt. Dejlig ensomt. Vejret. Skrev nogle tanker ned. Men jeg var så træt at jeg lagde mig ned og overgav mig til den stille musik.Ikke lige min smag. Men at ligge ned og ligge. Det er min smag.
TOgturen. Og en mand der ikke har noget problem med at give. Og han ved han har noget at give. Det rørte mig at han følte sig salvet. ER det ikke antijantelov så ved jeg snart ikke hvad er....

Fyldt af bekymringer om hvad jeg har ret til. Hvor meget space jeg har ret til. Hvor meget det er nødvendigt at jeg tager. OG så det der med at jeg ikke har lyst til at han går.

truth

2011-01-08T14:06:00.000-08:00

i know the peaces fit

because I watched them fall away

But is there a truth now my feeling seem to be the only one

I can count on them always they will always be there for me
when nothing´s clear everything fits.

I think that its kinda funny that everytime i THINk of him...I want him. I really want him. And I could have him. He´s sane. HEalthy i think. Well as healthy as you can be. BUt I know that what we did was bad. In terms of ´not healthy´. To fall in love with someone that fast...scares the hell out of me. He is almost... aggressively into me. He won´t let me go. Not just like that.

It´s cool of course that he´s like that. I respect people who believe in something. But the fact that we haven´t known each other makes everything so... mysterious, unnamable, will he always be untamable? How could this happen to me this fast? I go fro severe loneliness to extreme claustrophobia.

He´s beautiful. But where´s my heart at...someone would ask...and that would be the truth.

2011-01-08T06:30:00.000-08:00

so childish i can be but those pictures are nice no matter what.

I dont really wanna hear anything about my parents. Not that. not today.

lost love??

2011-01-08T03:22:00.000-08:00

I called my man yesterday. I told him it was bullcrap that I had told him the day before he wasn´t religious enough for me. That i had my faith and it would be hard because he had non. Also the this with my munk-lifestyle. Everything was ok by him. I was frustrated because I knew that i had to break up with him. But he was..fighting for me. And I didn´t like what I was hearing. As if he disappeared into me.. I was upset because I wanted to get rid of him. Like the rest of them. Just get away from me. BEfore you get hurt even more by me. Me. The bomb. The Jesabel. And a lot of other bad words I could find but I won´t because i don´t wanna think like that again. My mother heard the story yesterday. Late at night I couldn´t sleep. I started crying as I told her. Kinda freeing me in a way. BEcause I haven´t cried a lot about this. My schooldays have been lazy, dark, mournful. Just plain dispair and nonhope for himanity. Christine asked me in the break if there was any hope for humanity??? GOod question again. No, I answered. Well then there´s hope for you she said, or something like that.

Breaking up is hard to do

2011-01-06T12:41:00.000-08:00

Written by: starar

Subject: Love.

Problem: how do I do it gently?

sencond problem: How much do I want this and why??

I have this boy and we´ve been together once. And then a night. He surprised me in a way. Said that the physical stuff wasn´t that important. I said that that was easy for him to say. But for me the truth is not relative.

fact is that I still smell like him. fact is I like someone else. Fact is Im goddamn tired and im going to bed and im going to sleep no matter if im gonna cry to get there.
I do fancy him. I do. I do feel safe with him . i do. i do like his questions. his words. the way he act. i have not known him for a long time. he´s new. and thats exciting of course. hE said...´how bad is this´? we´re going to talk again. until then. im going to sleep. and eat with a good good friend of mine.

how i love my friends in a situation like this.

I so hope i can sleep tonite.

2011-01-03T15:38:00.000-08:00

DECEMBER:

GLORY TO GOD IN THE HIGHEST HEAVEN, AND PEACE TO MEN WHO ENJOY HIS FAVOR.

You can read about the birth of Jesus in the Gospel of Luke. The birth of Jesus was so important, that the angels came down from heaven proclaiming the birth, This is what Christmas is really about, it is not about Santa Clause, or how many gifts we can buy. It's all about Jesus. The world was out of control, like it is now, mankind needed a savior, Jesus came for that reason, He came to set us free from the bondage of sin. Religion was ruining people, like it does today. We forget that Christianity is not religion, but a relationship with Jesus. Very important to know that there is a difference. satan had a great ruling over people, that is why He never wanted to see this birth. So this Christmas let us remember the reason for the season, as much as this should be a happy time of the year, many folks will be hurting, from job loss, loosing loved ones. This is a time when depression hits a lot of people, some have no hope, but you have the reason for hope, share it with someone, many have not seen the Light, but you have the Light. If you have Jesus, then you have the Light of life in you. The greatest gift you can give someone is Jesus. This Christmas instead of asking God for many things, why not ask God what He wants from you. Remember the angels sang and worshiped Jesus. I know one thing, He honors the praise of His people - so this year don't get so caught up with gift buying, get more caught up in praising, and thanking Him for what He has done for you. If you have Jesus living in you, then you can have Christmas all year long, the world gets it once a year, we have it all year long. So come and let us adore Him. My prayer is that this Christmas, God will change each and everyone of you, that you will become stronger in Him, and be more of a witness for Christ, my friends its been such an honor having this time of fellowship, I am looking for 2011 to be a better year for all of us. This is a time to receive God's forgiveness and experience the real meaning of Christmas, which is Jesus. Maybe you have never asked Jesus to forgive you of your sins, now is the time. Maybe you have asked Him, but you haven't been living for Him. Now is your time to renew yourself to Him. Just say this: Jesus forgive me of my sins, help me to live for You, be Lord of my life. It is that easy. If you said it, write me, and let me know that you asked Jesus to be your Lord. Have a Blessed Christmas my friends, and many Blessings to Lady Michaela and ChristianGoth.com ministries, and to all those who are involved in this ministry. May you receive the miracle that you have been asking for.

Merry Christmas My Friends.

Brad

SOng

ballad

standing at the trainstation. why does it start snowing?

JUSt now when i came out from the cinema

i feel like someone who dont belong here anymore

Id do anything you´d ask me to

id even die and make a fool out of myself.

because Im dead to this world.

indeed i dont live for this place.

nothing´s worthy for my praise.

nothing is not even your race.

because you are a boy

and I do adore you

and my feelings are true.

but could they ever be enough for you

for you are a boy

and youdo say you are mine

but i dont know many human beings

who know what it means when they use words of those meanings

Who am I to judge? Who am I to be able to say no to you

why dont I stop you instead of letting you

make a fool out of yourself

why didnt I stop you?

You just served me

you served me

im grateful

you hugged me.

like a god

like an angel.

you served me.

you said all the right things.

How was I to stop you

even though it´s like im just using you

Who am I not to?

New years eve

2010-12-31T03:05:00.000-08:00

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday. and I discovered that I wont talk to lame people in the new year.

I wont eat crap in the new year

I wont throw up in the new year. I will express what I feel

I will fight for my right to party

I will fight for my right to love

I will fight for my right to get close to someone and to allow that someone to get close to me

I will obey my GOd.

I will pay attention. I will sit down. I will rest. I will watch out for the beauty in this world and that other world that Ive felt so close to me and I still seem to know so little about

I will be creative I will use what GOd gave me

I will sing pray eat love be.

I wont be religious even though this list might start appearing like one.

I wont settle for second best.

and it starts today. Homework. shopping. everything is something that I do in loneliness but in a little while it´ll be gone and ill be with friends. I pray that I can just be myself.

Im no angel but I cry
Im no angel but it doesn´t mean that
i wont fly

you keep making me ill instead of making me better you....

2010-12-28T05:50:00.000-08:00

It´s like someones trying to make me ill. Ì know it´s been tough during xmas but i never realize just how tough it is. Maybe because I never seem to let it out. I dont express myself when it comes to the pain that I go through. But now I do. I think that I really need to get to the place where Im at peace with myself. With the God. Because nothing seems to be meaningful. Even artistic stuff. Seing an artist on stage makes me happy for a second but then I realize how I feel about it. That it´s pointless. But today I thought about it. I was listening to random songs on youtube and I finally relaxed. I´d been so stressed because of a visit and the kids who were here gave the air so much thickness that the headache I have most mornings turned worse. I even tried to do some school work in the midst of it. But the I capitulated and started cleaning. Which felt like torture. Loud sounds are the worst. I think I am a home person. I need peace big time... We talked about sensitive children. And my mum said that she was sorry that she hadn´t read the sensitive people book earlier. Because of me and Rene... and my dad... It felt wierd to be overwhelmed again because of too much stimulation and then they start to talk about it like that. In that odd form. BEcause they aren´t like this. They arent very ´sensitive´. But it´s so touching I think. It makes me cry sometimes when my mum talks about it. Because I could never say it that simple. especially not when it hurts

It seems wierd to be thinking about marriage. what if it happens? im not able to be very social until it starts to hurt again . And I get so tired. and sick sometimes. If my skin doesnt hurt then its my body. I think my body is hypersensitive as well. it seems so odd to say that. But i guess I need to give it what it wants. Rest. GOod nutrition. All the time. But I just feel so bad so easely when Im eating. Everything is so..dirty and unhealthy. ANd I have to look everything up all the time. which makes it so stressful
so im either adhd or ocd. Which sucks.

Just Like a Pill

I’m lyin’ here on the floor where you left me

I think I took too much

I’m crying here, what have you done?

I thought it would be fun

I can’t stay on your life support, there’s a

Shortage in the switch,

I can’t stay on your morphine, cuz it’s making me

Itch

I said I tried to call the nurse again but shes

Being a little bitch,

I think I’ll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can

To the middle of nowhere

To the middle of my frustrated fears

And I swear you’re just like a pill

Instead of makin’ me better, you keep makin’ me

Ill

You keep makin’ me ill

I haven’t moved from the spot where you left me

This must be a bad trip

All of the other pills, they were different

Maybe I should get some help

I can’t stay on your life support, there’s a

Shortage in the switch,

I can’t stay on your morphine, cuz it’s making me

Itch

I said I tried to call the nurse again but shes

Being a little bitch,

I think I’ll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can

To the middle of nowhere

To the middle of my frustrated fears

And I swear you’re just like a pill

Instead of makin’ me better, you keep makin’ me

Ill

You keep makin’ me ill

Run just as fast as I can

To the middle of nowhere

To the middle of my frustrated fears

And I swear you’re just like a pill

Instead of makin’ me better, you keep makin’ me

Ill

You keep makin’ me ill

I can’t stay on your life support, there’s a

Shortage in the switch,

I can’t stay on your morphine, cuz it’s making me

Itch

I said I tried to call the nurse again but shes

Being a little bitch,

I think I’ll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can

To the middle of nowhere

To the middle of my frustrated fears

And I swear you’re just like a pill

Instead of makin’ me better, you keep makin’ me

Ill

You keep makin’ me ill

the story so far

2010-12-22T09:54:00.000-08:00

Dear noone/God.

How in the world is the above sentence possible?

Because I sometimes think its noon but then its GOd.

I write this story to be able to tell it to others someday. It´s about me being a creation full of options and adventures to explore. It´s about me rebelling against everything, to wander around, to get lost and to find my way back. The comfortness of being away from the road. The odd sence of belonging off the track. My personality has been formed. ANd now I get to watch it happen. And watch it happening.

I watched myself today walk away from a boy. I senced immidiately the unfomfortness of my choice. But I just got so nervous. I didn´t want him to think that I´m thinking more of him. I´m so careful with that. No more flirting. Only real conversations where we get to know each other. I just walked away after having given him a hug. at least he got that. I thought he was gonna sing. It´s such an odd idea. For him to sing that kind of genre. Serously! but i admit its kinda funny and I think it digs the goofy side out of him. The not so serious side of his personality. And is he just like me?
i HOPE THAT HE IS NOT!

because im lost and too comfortable here. WEll, i do still dream.

but i also ruin everything. i have my days... oh God i just feel so many things. And what to do? I answer that before I even come up with better alternatives

So the pretty accident happened

2010-12-21T15:31:00.000-08:00

How long time can I go without throwing my love at someone?? It´s just been odd this week. I came to school looking slightly plain. Wearing jeans and suchness. I am actually trying to relax a little bit since I watched Angela in an interview talk about how girls who wanna make it try too hard. They dress distastefully on stage and look too sexy. I´ve been wanting for years to be able to dress more.-...casual. more sexy in a casual way. Oh well. I won´t ever get to where I want to be and maybe that´s healthy. But i do know that there´s a place in my heart and I know that I have to get there for real. It´s like I´ve seen glimpses of it but I´ve never stayed there for long. SOmething always comes up and I go back to old habits or the stage just changes. And I hate that. I have so much discipline. And I strive for it. But it won´t last. I actually cut the setting myself. I decide that I have no more will power left and i get into this anxiety state of mind. Where I become afraid that I lose my mind. Or willpower. A different approach of seeing my...mistakes...or ...not as well-functioning ways of living, is simply the fact that I don´t know how to enjoy myself. Noone can deal with crapdays all the time. Nobody is able to be alone all the time with nothing to look forward to. All days are workdays for me sometimes. No. at all times. Nothing is natural. Too much of everything. Too much of not enough in a way. Because I never get enough of this insanity. This torture. This painful state of mind where I´m never there, never reaching out for a goal, only the process is with me, always learning, never capable of teaching. Oh God. . I´m too old for this. I´m too young for this.

Let´s get real corny. if I was a present I would never be ready to be given away. Even though I do like myself better now. But I know how fast I can sink. I feel it right now. How my muscles hate me after a day with too much of everything. How I ache in my head when I am out of control. How I ache inside when I don´t talk to anyone just to press myself down into the mud. Because I´m too much all the time. Because I know it will hurt when I am social. I spend too much energy. So it hurts. Being with lots of people. I don´t know anything that hurts more than lots of personalities that I´ve all analyzed. To the buttom. I know everything about them. Or else I´m gonna find out. Fast. TO gain control. To..play GOd I guess. To be the greatest in everything. To...stay safe. If I have the right knowlege then I can control everybody. I can tell them why people act the way they do. And that might make the world more peaceful. If we just got along. If we knew each other. It wouldn´t be war

It´s lonely having these psycotic ideas about hów to save the world day by day. Moment by moment. SMile by smile. It´s like I´m often around people that aren´t having these same crazy dreams as I do. I miss that. I´ve found that. Even in this town. Lately. I enjoyed myself. And the mirror I see myself in is cool. sharper. clearer. I wasn´t on the top anymore...I was beeing watched. Those people I hung out with that night were... nice. Open. they expressed their feelings. Even though we didn´t know each other. That´s my kind of people.

Today was a withdrawal day. I can see that in the picture below.
How Do You Feel Today?

WEdnesda

2010-12-15T13:32:00.000-08:00

y.

This day is always odd and so I spell it oddly.

I am so very tired but I need to write something. Don´t know what but just some random thoughts I should have written down days ago. To prevent insanity from happening!

I just stayed awake for as long time as I could. That is my thing you know. I just try to rejoice about the fact that I have all the time that I want. I guess I do feel the opposite in general .Even though I don´t have a real job these days. I don´t know when I should be able to.

It has been one of those days again where I didn´t plan much. But what I planned was changed. I thought I was gonna struggle actually because I only got 4 hours of sleep last night. I did. But I am ready now to sleep and I went to the gym and I did some homework and I played my guitar. And Im writing now. So its good. I almost wrote 'perfect'.

I am waiting for the 29th of December to show it´s interesting face. It has to be interesting at least. Im going to go to the doctor who´s supposed to be able to give me a diagnosis. Which Im not so scared of anymore.
I hope that the future will be brighter. That it will be easier to afford therapy and alternative medicin and treatment such as massage and cleansing/detoxification-ishthings and lots of healthy stuff.
Im gonna have to fight for this.

Im gonna have to sit down once in a while and write and read and think. And think about prioritizing. What I prefer. What I hate to do. What makes me sick. what is the hardest. Its so important. And also to be alone. Not always with someone but loneliness without being too lonely and even when that happens-....without calling the whole phonebook..

This is not the day I never hoped would come

2010-12-07T03:52:00.000-08:00

You can totally feed me violins I won´t run. But I am running with you through crashing cars. Mama you´re with me and I´m with you. We´re both hyper aren´t we..? I can´t go a day being sick. it demands full concentration..!Yesterday. My troubles dont seem too far away. And i dont want them to be here to stay. I wish sometimes that my issues were difrerent. I think I want to have different issues. I cant continue this way. I need to feel like I am looking back on my issues not wandering amongst them. I wanna look at my cutting decade as some far away, sad voice that just gets clearer and clearer in what it wants to say. Like the interlude to the Nightwish song the Poet and The Pendulum. It´s sad in the beginning but gets more dramatic. So it was with me. It got more dramatic and I got further into the whole problem. THe probs that I didn´t want to cope with. When I get tempted now I get angry at first. Because I kinda long for that sadness. The melancolic infinite lovely beatyful sinn. And it´s so wrong. Like, it feels wrong from the inside of me not because people say so. Because that´s what matters. that I am back on that track where i can feel inside of me that I should choose to do something else. Something just as good..well better actually.
I jsut long for that darkness. But I know now that I can get there easely. without the knife. Without throwing up. Without destroying everything that I´ve faught for. I can get there. And I can even go there having some company. The story that I find myself in during a moment like that is the story where I find I crucify myself to begin with. I wish that I could take it all back. I wish I could atone. Im so sorry for what I´ve done. The littlest things. Even when I was a kid. I was so angry. Im so sorry for that. And during the time in school. I was so secretive. I wanted to be more than a human. more human than human. To atone. To make everything allright. I wanted to become perfect so that all my familymembers could live their imperfect, violent lives in peace. I wanted to be white so that they could be withered. that explains my fasciantion with Stigmata the movie...the death- subject in general. Because how far can you go inwanting to dehumanize yourself??

You can die. You can focus on ´´becoming´´ all the time. You are never there. It´s the state of mind...Are you really willing to go there? Are you really willing to be that perfect? ANd so how much would you sacrafice`? It´s an even circle I think...Or..at least it´s playing a game. I would regret it. I would punish myself for not going all the way. I would pray. Not to a loving God. The God that I had heard about all my life. The God who saved people in dull situations and evil times. To someone else. Someone I could identify myself with. I didn´t see back then that I was the one on the cross. That would have been an acomplishment for me...maybe...if I had seen it like that. I might have seen myself far far away. Even from such a dirty place as the crosses on the hill. Not even a dirty place like that was dirty enough for me I must have thought. No I thought I belonged to the intruder. The fallen angel. That was my identity. And so I prayed.. I haven´t forgotten the little seance I made in my room. Scary it was, actually. Sincere. Trembling. I can´t remember what I prayed. But i spoke to the most evil one. I just remember sitting there. I think I was inspired by the movie The Craft.
I think I made a lot of seances in my room. I made promises.To myself mostly. I arranged candles and scents and sticks and everything and turned up the heat so that I could sit there in my summerclothes on real comfortable, ready to improve myself. I don´t know who I prayed to those times. I didn´t pray to God. Well maybe I did. I know that I was very religious. I preached as a kid until people couldn´t stand me. I dont recall however that people really hated me. I guess I wasn´t that annoyuing always. But I know that I couldn´t stand the Nirvana shirts and the boys who were into that sort of thing. If only I knew back then what I would turn in to be. There existed so much hate on that school in the smal town.. No wonder a sensitive girl invents a shell just to be able to breathe properly. When I got home I would let go. GO to my room and just be. . When I went riding I would be angry sometimes at home. As if I had used all my energy at the ridingschool and there was just nothing left for my family. BUt I was also angry at other times. As if the sadness I must have perceived turned to anger. LIke I could see it do to my father. A lot. Maybe that explains. It took me years to let go of that shell.

I buried myself and i did it properly. I had to take everything I had learned in my childhood and rearrange it. I had to take what I could use and what I couldn´t use, learn how to throw it away. The techniques I learned is still in use today. I still have to rearrange situations that come up in my mind. and when I wanna punish myself I resculpture the whole thing. As with the cutting thing. I wonder if God would do the same thing to me as with the girl from the Craft who experienced the dissapereance of her scars. I don´t like them. I have to learn ho to still. I have to learn how to love them. Not accept them. Love upon them. I know that that will be a bigger miracle that if God just took them away. Scars don´t mean unforgivable mistake. They mean....Scar. Not wound. Im not bleeding. GOd stopped that. He created a body like this that would heal. he made sure that I was protected from myself. That I know that I have to protect myself from myself. Im no angel. He is.
Scars.. they show that you have fought a dragon right... they show you survived. ANd they are a reminder everyday. Dont take them away. look at them. use them. To grow. To move. To be aware of the fact that there is a world out there and we should fight it. We shouldn´t bury ourselves nor hide nor pretend....nor smile and be quiet. We should shout.

awesome poem.

2010-09-23T11:55:00.000-07:00

So here we go:

I see the artist swinging his pencil
and Im on the outside now im just looking in
I don't see. I don't see the meaning. Like a parable, that I never understood.
I see the singer dancing on her own. And the band are there too behind her.
Why are they doing it, so meaningless and I love it. ANd i care for it and she's not really good.
it's like allright but not awesome. But hey. thankyou you just woke me up. now I cant go back
Im caught in the act. of critizising. now I have to make it better.
it makes no sense. the stereotypes that I always wanted to be like. IT's so not serious. and Im tired of
...serious. I grew up with it and no more. Of that. Am I serious??

speeding cars

2010-09-12T08:14:00.000-07:00

krak mig.kortlæg mit hoved for mig
kram mig. lad være at regne mig ud
jeg skal nok
bare lad mig
være, nok.

Jeg er nok.
og alt for meget.
der er for meget af mig
og spejlet er en helt anden.
Men sandheden. Sandheden
At jeg, er. en. helt. anden.

Gud. Moder. Jord.
Lad mig lægge mig ned på dig.
oversvøm mig
med dine tårer
overgræs mig
med dine planter og din frugtbare jord
Lad mig blive til noget
Det er ok. Spis mig. Sug mig op. Med det hele.
Nej, du må ikke lade noget blive tilbage. Jeg vil bare...væk. og ind. i dig.

Sug mig op
skær mig op.
vandmænd kan så kan jeg også.
Der må være noget din jord kan bruge mig til
Føde til de andre dyr.
Skildpadder kan også. De går så tungt som mig.
For mit skjold er blever min fjende. Hvem kan trænge ind?

Gud. Moder. Min jord.
Derfra kom jeg.
Hvordan kunne jeg kravle så langt med så tung en byrde?
Jeg overlevede. Ingen kom ind. Ikke engang mig selv. Genialt.

Nu går jeg på pinde. Elegant. høje vandrende pinde hæle med borderline som depression og med
blonder som expression.
Pak mig ind.
Mor, overgræs mig. Jeg ligger mig ned.
I surrender.
To you.
use
this
what's too much
eat it all up.
I surrender. I surrender!!! I suuuuuuurennnnnnder i promise Im sure that Im not sure
i cannot anymore. My shield doesn't save me. Im small
so little. Say my name and I'll say yours
suck me up
take me in your windy arms
warm me with you fire
Cause im. a.
løgn lie
I assure you I am!

Krak mig
kram mig.
ups. har du et kort?
jeg legede tag fat og gemme med det værste
det der nu blev monster.
ukendt.
ingemandland.
hjertet.
mit.

udspekuleret camouflage kamælæonsk expressionistisk livsredder i form af mascara og klude..hold mig i live mine drømme det at tude..

Drømme

2010-09-07T12:14:00.000-07:00

Jeg er så træt jeg ikke naer hvad jeg aner. og jeg burde ikke ligge på mit gulvtæppe og skrive. For det går sikkert ud over min hånd. Men jeg så et par videoer. Jim Carrey, Will Smith. Eckhardt Tolle. Og en anden dame jeg holder meget af. Uheldigvis eller heldigvis jeg ved det ikke bliver GUds navn ikke nævnt. Men det gør det stof min GUd er gjort af. Kærlighed. Dybde. åndelighed. Drømme. kæmp for det og så vil du få det. gå dybere. frygt er en illusion. det eneste jeg frygter er at frygte. det er at stå op imorgen og være bange. det er at jeg panikker lige nu og bliver fyldt af frygt. for det får mig til at blive en person jeg ikke kan lide.

we don't need no education

2010-03-10T13:04:00.000-08:00

Have a day off from work using it to find a way out of this... confusion. I won't get less confused though. Maybe I have the answer already and I just keep searching at the wrong places. Maybe I underestimate my own intuition.
Why don't I wanna be different? Why is it I need to educate myself now? I've gotten the best education by traveling, through therapy, through books, through music, through bible studies too and by learning to be creative and to use what I've got in the places where I've been.

Now that Im at ID. I spoil myself by taking out 2 days a week to reflect on the bible with others. Now that I'm working the other 3 days...now that I'm taking out several mornings to reflect on my actions and my behavior with my therapist....then what is this going to turn out like? Today I wish I didn't do all these things. And I'm scared I won't get further. That it will end here. That I'll give up. I mean, I've given up before. Well, these days that happens on a daily basis. I'm coaching myself not to give up upon myself when something new comes up. In any challenge I'm like 'can I do this? can I not do this?' -ish state of mind. I just don't believe much in myself.

I've heard friends talk like Im talking now. And I felt anger because I recognized the.... pity. selfpity and the fear. And I want to send them to Africa to teach them how to appreciate what they got. 'Cause it seems like they live in their own world. And there's more to it than that I believe. But I also think that we've been locked up in our rooms by other people and we've just forgot to unlock the door. We forgot to tell those people, wether it was friends or parents or other stupid authoritites that they were wrong or that they should just shut up and leave us alone 'cause we will be just fine like that.

Thank God for my computer. For my lovely makeup that saves my ugly(just listen to me..) ordinary face once again today. Just make your eyes stand out and they won't notice how plain you are. And even better, make everything a joke , just to hide behind the irony. Yes Oh happy day. It's a twisted but happy day, right..

Thank God for the ability to write. It's always a story in itself when I try to figure out what's going on in my brainworld...

Thank God for friends. I was lucky enough to spend some time with some of them last night in the house group. ANd thank God for people that know me. Thank GOd for patience, openness, funnes, jokes, tiredness, emotions, senses,

little girl I am

2010-02-27T09:22:00.000-08:00

So we were taken back ten years back. We all sat there in the room with blankets and pillows. SOme were lying on the floor and the speaker was sitting right next to me. Talking. With her loving voice. Not tender and overly gentle like on the commercials but nice, firm and storrytellingesque.. Then we went on our journey. I don't remember everything that happened. But I remember hanging out with myself when I was 15 years old. And that's something. I was so pretty. I might have mentioned this before but I haven't, in a hypnosis, notices and really acknowledged how I was back. then. I haven't noticed the good girl I actually was. Trying so hard. And still she is. But back then I hadn't gone too far in any of my experiments. I had kissed a boy at a club, tasted different kinds of alcohol with my girlfriends, worn a little bit more make up, and I don't remember more than that. I can't recall that year very clearly.

cont

BOX

2010-02-24T14:30:00.000-08:00

So the smart ones say that the more you try not to put yourself in a box the more likely it is you will end up in one. WEll, that sounds just fine to me. 'Cause no matter what I'm gonna end up in my own box. And I am in full control of that. Because it is mine. You can be whatever you want to be right.. That thought is always such a provocation- because I feel even more unfree right now due to too many options. Gotta chose. Gotta keep it simple. Some things are. And maybe I'll like it. Simplify it..

I'm impressed by the people who don't ever change...their look, their behavior... how do they do that? I always wanna change.. always wanna move up or down the scale or to the side and I always wanna either be better or worse at something. Right now I wanna learn to become a better artist. I wanna sing the impossible and play whatever I want without having limitations. And I also think I should sleep to be able to stand on my legs tomorrow. I bet it's gonna be overly exciting. And I'll try to holdmyself back a little. I really get excited during class. It's just so...me. And their style of teaching is catchy. I can understand it and I can focus most of the time. BEcause I know where they're going. If I don¨t know where they're going I'll be questioning about that. I talk a lot i class actually. I see myself ask the questions. And that's a niceeee thing. Cause we should be disturbed, right.

small messages

2010-02-20T09:01:00.000-08:00

I hate when I hate something and don't know why. I hate the communication between me and my family.

oh memories. Oh my God my dreams. I am being haunted by oddities such as demons in weird forms and games and lots of drama. But I dream good stuff about id. The school. It's overwhelmingly good when I sleep. Funny.

I judge myself when I get pissed at others. The grunge-decade is back sometimes for me. But I don't want to. I wanna change myself and get some cooperators in that process. I have my coach. A handful now of mentors and friends. You lose friends and gain new ones when you travel. It's a bit too much and there is one friend that I miss a lot. that's just too bad. I wonder why.. just a coincidence? whatev.. Don't wanna think about that too much. Just wanna be there when we meet in person. and ask why. Just wanna ask people why when I dont understand why it is so complicated...#="€=("/€"%/!!!!

I don't wanna continue with my story right now. The now is hard enough. But think about the future. It is real and it is good. there are good plans. Focus on that and you will be fine. Focus on the music in your soul and don't let anything destroy it. not even you.

think i wanna learn more about memories...

therapy and me

2010-02-13T11:14:00.000-08:00

I feel like there's gonna be one morning where I wake up and wake up with hope. That it matters. That I matter. Everything is on pause right now. But not my brain and not my body and not my heart. I'm always moving even though I'm not on some awesome school or studying to become a professor in something.

There's always an adventure. It's deep in your soul and if you dare, dig into it. If you're afraid like I am....You write about it until the pain is gone.

So, I was sick. Tired. Sad. Very sad. Not angry. Just sad. I was in therapy. It had taken me a good while to get there. At a place where I asked for help... admitted to have a problem...you know, the whole thing about seeing the weakness without feeling ashamed. I remember many things that my therapist told me. She will always always be with me like she was for a year and a half or something like that. I will never forget the 'tools' she taught me. Here's one: 'this is where you are in this moment: you can taste the last cigarette you just smoked, you can feel that you are a bit cold, you know you have a hot cup of coffee in your hands and you can still taste that too....'. That's the sort of thing I guess you learn when you, in her words, have taken a master degree in ignoring your emotions. I had. Ever since I was a kid I had trained myself on purpose in mastering my outwards expressions. And the inside....that was for when I got home and could hide in my room. There would be no questions and no adults and no classmates who could see how sensitive, weak and fragile I had become. Or always had been...

I also learned to look someone into the eye. The first time I did it I will never forget. I had been looking away during the first many sessions we had. But then she suddenly said, when my eyes again wondered, 'try to look me into the eyes for a moment'. And slowly I did. I looked into her eyes. Gentle ones actually. Full of sympathy. And I cried. My eyes got filled with water and I cried and cried.

Another time it was me who made her cry. I wish I could remember what I said but I can't seem to bring it back at all. I knew that I was talking about how I felt. And suddenly I could do that very clearly. Like, 'this is my sad sad world' sorta statement. And her eyes were filled with tears. She discretely wiped it away. She wasn't supposed to get carried away with emotions. Not in that way at least. How was I supposed to handle her tears when I couldn't handle my own... but I noticed... and I was...impressed. I still am when people express emotions like that. Because nobody is harmed. BUt we just think we harm somebody so we don't let it out. We just don't wanna make things worse right?? I mean, that's how it is sometimes. But the problem is just the fact that we get sick. If we cannot be ourselves then we can't be here. Maybe if I was someone else then I could be at a different place. I am me. Just let me be me then I can be here.... yeah.

So as I was sitting in the lap of my wonderful therapist I could get the right nutrition that I needed. Finally. Outlet of my emotions. A free space. A place was a station for rest and sometimes just a great sight to the moon. I could be the baby that I was. And I could get stronger so that I would be able to move on by myself. With her words and intuitive medicine in my veins...

I get up

to get out

with the feeling

that Im for You

Cause I ´m crying

lying

in your arms still

you never leave

I move on

in the sea

filled with whispers

of encouragements

you remind me

that Im weak still

just a baby

but still yours

I jump up

through a wave

cause I know now

how to get to you

cause you're here

in my heart

and my tears are in your eyes.

I get up

I get out

I go in

to the secret

to the sea

of encouragements

and reminding s

that we are here

now

together

Therapy and university and safetyboxes

2010-02-10T14:05:00.000-08:00

The second year in highschool would be the most postivie year. I would appear really healthy and I would start to actually hang out with people in the town that shared the same interests such as music and arts...

But my restless nature would also catch up with me. I wanted to leave the town. I was sure my life would be so much better a different place. I lived in a dreamworld without knowing it. I dreamed about just leaving everything. Felt like everyone was having a blast just not me. FElt like the most reasonable thing to do was to find that place where I could have a blast to. I think I also just wanted to be the person that I felt like I was meant to be. To find home. And that home was not my hometown. It had to be further aways. And so my restless journey began. Also, I had a hard time with my class and I didn't feel like people really knew me. Furthermore I felt so much guilt at home. Maybe I wanted to find a guiltfree home...

So my parents discussed it and came up with the brilliant idea of buying an apartment for me and my brother. THey could make money that way. I cried when I said goodbye to my best friend. But that was the only thing I would miss. ALso my room though. It was...unique. I had decorated it and I used to call it my "safety box". No-one could attack me too hard there.
Looking back it's crazy. I can't believe how I could do it. I mean, I had just become positive, had recently become healthy and happy and then I just leave. I had found GOd for myself, for jEsus sake!But I couldn't ever hold on to something good.. To actually keep on doing something...perseverance...hard.

I moved and it was not fun at all. I saw myself from a new perspective. A weak one. I discovered my lack of organizational skills. That I can't control money issues. That I am really bad at structuring everyday. That I eat my problems away. That I still had eating disorders. That I was scared of being alone. I began drinking a lot. Smoked a lot. FElt lonely alot. Didn't have many friends. I easely pushed people away just by pretending everything was brilliant in my life. This behavior had been going on for years at this point. But being in healthy environments had helped. The boarding school helped. Living at home helped despite the stress and pressure from the family. Now I was on my own and that was hard.

I discovered a great church in the town which my brother introduces me too.... which suited me better than the Pentecostal church. it became my secondary family. I felt accepted. All my friends there were either adults or much older than me. I was the Benjamin there for a while.
After highschool I was unimplyed. The everyday had changed again and I found myself suffering from it. Change was not good. Didn't get the right help at all. Just fought by myself. Finally got a job but it was terrible. Authority failed me again. Leaders never helped or....actually lead. Being an employer at a place was hardcore. Nobody looks after you and care for you just because you're 18 and it's your first real job. It just made me feel terrible about myself.
It was around this period where I began experiencing a lot of stress. And I got scared all the time. Now I know that I had disappeared again into my own fantasy world and that it didn't take much for others to wake me up to reality. Any loud sound or unexpected move from objects or persons would scare the hell out of me. O embarrassing I recall. But I was rewarded for my struggling: The good job came to be a a home for elderlies. Loved it when i finally got into the routine. Loved helping them, hanging out with them. I even prayed and cried with them when i could. ...

Then it changed again.... I began the theology study. Had too much homework. Felt like Søren Kierkegaard was my only therapist. Thought it would be a stupid thing to get a real one. Scared that I was just gonna be told to eat an orange and get some sun. I don't know why I thought this I guess I never experienced much understanding before..So whenever I would think about getting help, cause I would, I would never take it as far as speaking that wish out loud somewhere.

University....that was not easy.. I couldn't focus on my homework and during the teaching, even though i was passionated about it. I never slept. I was terrible at organizing the anything properly. I read and I worked and I partied and I studied and I had big dreams of becoming a theologian maybe a journalist.... WEll thats what I told people and Im sure it would have been wonderful but to be the pastor in a church and doing stuff my way was my deepest longing. To help people and to have the authority, especially - in other authorities eye's....TO make my own theology make sense.. Search of identity here perhaps??

After a year of doing this... I started seeking for help. A therapist at my church had a day in the week open and I went there. Cried and told her I cut myself and suffered from bulimia. She really listened. I felt so ashamed. So alone. So lost. I felt like a burden. She could understand. And I saw a small glimpse of myself in a more...mercyful perspective. Maybe I wasn't crazy. Maybe my pain was real.
After 2 years of studying I burned out. What a failure. I was so sad. My body would no longer take the pressure of work, no sleep, crazy diet on coffee and pills. I couldn't move for half a year. It had gotten chronic. People say that a 21 year old cannot burn out. But I could. That's where I had been heading for since I decided as a 13 year old not to say a thing about my thoughts to anyone. They were too crazy. Noone could be trusted. I had failed too though, to trust me.

Everything turned black around me. There's not other way to describe it. No hope. Everything that was good or at least comforting because I could relate to it, was all gone. I didn't know what was happening around me. My parents made me take walks and eat vitamin pills. Told me about a healthy diet. They didn't know the problem was mental. And I I knew was that I was hurting.

Pain.
everywhere.

and very very confused. Why couldn't I keep it up?

2010-02-10T05:30:00.000-08:00

Someone told me last night that I have to become a child again. ANother one told me that I should not take just the next best thing. Another said that I am really loved. All encouraging words. I pray that they will find their way into my head and heart. Someone also said that the heart is what matters and not just the head. That must have been the best word I got.

I had a hard time doing worship. I have a hard time on a regular basis these days doing that stuff. A love hate relationship. That's ok right?

My story. how do I tell my story? I been trying not to think about it. I have been isolation myself. I have not had many close people around for a while. It's lonely. But i did it with the best intentions. My therapist did not like it though. So we talked about it. And I wanna change. If Im gonna l´kill myself at least I can enjoy the last days.

The last days.... I will now try to think of my mind- mess as positive. I will now try to think of my thoughts as God given positive. As strengths. Powers. Emotional and forceful.

I am dead to the world. I no longer live for myself but for God. I am a true lover of everything love stands for a I chose to reject everything that is unloyal and superficial. I want love to win. I want everything I have ever struggled with to be seen in the light of GOds glory and a war that has once and for all been won.

Last year when I went away and overseas I found myself in a context where my life made sense. During teaching I could relate to the information. I could pay intention all the time which is something in itself. It was interesting. It was about passion, the power of knowledge, the power of Gods supernatural power, and the authority that we have been give. It was about using the talents we have been born with. It was about developing those skills and using them so that the world would be a better place to live in. Even my psychology thirsty mind was satisfied. My people skills was encouraged. My willingness to perform miracles and to speak into people's lives was being trained also. My sensitiveness was a really good thing. My creative mind was stretched. Don't be afraid, step out - the message was. That was hard since I felt challenged. And if I feel like there's something that I might not be able to I push my - introspection -buttom.... I isolate myself. And I did that in periods. But in an environment like that you see a tendency like that very clearly. You don't step out. You don't put your trust in God, but stay in the corner. Afraid and stuck in a ton of emotions. How I wish I could go back, live at the bunkhouses the whole year, help as much as I could and try not to hide as much.... Just the fact that that thought is scary gives me the feeling that it would be really good for me. The States....how I miss you...you did so much for me. ANd I don't mean the politics... I mean, the freedom to be crazy for Jesus. That was what I experienced on the hotel. And that will be my favorite playground if I had to chose.

OK im ready now. HEre's my story in 15 minutes:

When I was a teenager I became very aware of my appearance. That's the easiest way to start I think. Until now I had tried to fit in and to just be accepted by my friends at school. I did not want my parents theology or my fathers preaching. I just wanted to be a pretty, successful girl. I realized however, that I couldn't fit into the normal cookie cutter sweet girl for much longer. Sure I wanted to fit in, but I also had a wish to outlive my inner emotions and my inner 'world'. I could always go hide in my room which was the only place I felt safe. Safe from family and suspicious parents, safe from followers of authorities that I thought, had failed on me. But my outward appearance became a 'safe' place as well especially when I went to the boarding school. Here, I found new friends and some of them were different from the ones I had had in Jutland. They looked like the ones I had rejected and messed around with in an attempt to prove myself and to let my inner anger out. I used the poor boys in my class. I was angry with my father especially for failing on the family. For punishing us kids. For abusing my feelings. this came out in school. I was strong there. Powerful. Beautiful. and me and my girlfriends had something in common. We hated the boys and we were stronger than them. Mentally and also of of course more mature.
but on Skovbo I had become one of the punks I had hated as a 'pretty girl' in school the year before. I developed a 'prehighschool' style there and read the book by Marilyn Manson. that made a great impact on me. But I didn't manage to show to anyone that my inner, abstract, wondering world was somthing I was proud of. That was never accepter back home. So I would only keep this to myself and my friends. This was a good tool to both scare people away, and make the cool people accept me. I would lead the right people to join my club of provocative culture and doing stuff 'your own way', not your parents way. When my teacher tried to tackle my philosophical nature I denied everything. No, I wasn't thoughtful. Nothing there! Im innocent! Leave me alone..... I will behave. Just let me dress the way I want and Ill be good..... I so wanted to get out of my family traditions. Thats why I chose a school far aways from home, thats why I dreamt of living in Copenhagen, thats why I had worked on changing my accent for years, and that's why i found fascination of a subculture representing everything my small town could never embrace. A culture that described itself as what it was: Not anything the church would embrace, not anything parents could accept, not anything likable, pretty, simple or happy clappy -everything is good in life let's all continue obeying authorities, parents, teachers, society and norms. I loved it.
So I wanted to get away even more. I was dissatisfied of my pretty face, pretty pink shirts. I shopped second hand, wrote creepy poems, cut myself, had eating disorders, and concluded this was my identity, where I belonged, what I was best at, and people just needed to leave me alone. SO, extreme introspection became my shield, creativeness and friends and hangouts, my hiding places.

first year in high school, I had no idea how to handle my entrance into this subculture. I was so sick of commercial music and contemporary culture. I would soon start rejecting friends that didn't identify themselves with this. What a stupid thing to do. It was hard to be nice to everyone once again just because I din't know who I really was. Just because I couldn't 'rest' and feel safe anywhere. I needed escape the whole time. So, i was a loner at the end of the year. Sick of everything and the more hardcore drinker in the class. During the summer I would decide to go on a camp with the church. I would tell my christian friends about the torturing demons in my mind. I would discover my eagerness to heal people and my outgoing nature when amongst people even strangers. I would after that break up with the best boyfriend ever. And I would cry over that even thought the camp had saved me from suicide and the constant negativity. I would sing in a worship band for a while and my friends at school would be the ones to notice my now positive new behavior. not my parents though.

to be continued....

Into the wild

2010-02-03T11:40:00.000-08:00

Currently digesting: 'Into the wild' the movie. Gav mig en klump i halsen. I want to start indicating to myself who I am and what I am gonna do instead of what I am doing now. Some things must matter. There must be a meaning with life. There must be something about this day.... There has got to be a destination. Right now I am going not even where the wind is blowing.
I was last year when everything was good.

   GOod is: Struggling and getting pushed around with by your own mind because of your eyes that have suddenly been opened.
   Good is: knowing your options, and that there is amazingly many, and that you are going to have a go at a few of them and that you aren't gonna wait a lifetime to do it but you are going to do it now.
   Good is.: Knowing who you are and that it is good.
   Good is: Being where you wanna be and knowing that it is the exact right time because you are open not necessarily super positive or super depressed.
   Good is: seeing the signs around you. I got sick the day I turned in the application for my school. A lot. I was devastated. Frustrated. Scared because I thought the disease was gonna get back at me once again because i had been pushing it to far. and because i had been stressing over it too much. Apparently I didn't. APparently I got there. And survived the year. more than that.
   Good is: Seeing the weakest, ugliest part of yourself. It's to look that part of you in the eyes and still making it.
   Good is: to see a different world. That my desires aren't unique. that many other people crave The holy spirit. That many many people literally går ud af deres gode skin, and they know it would happen, that's why they're there at the meeting, bowing down, forgetting their vanity, what other people think about them, what they even think of them selves.
   Good is: adventure.
   Good is: being thought about and prayed for by someone whom you know you can trust.
   Good is: people who do good stuff for you and you don't know why.
   Good is: thinking back at the year knowing you are never gonna be the same.

2010-01-30T13:35:00.000-08:00

Nobody should read this. My world has just gone lighter. I now see everything clearer. Edward is the same as my school that i left last year. Jacob Black is all the guys that were my substitute for my real life. And Bell is me just sitting there trying not to think of the place she loved and the person she loved.

Yesterday i have a number that is 148 which is going down. and you will see it go down and it will hopefully not be the only positive thing. Please, positive things come to me.

well then I was right

2009-12-30T12:05:00.000-08:00

I try to say what I want to say or when I have to say it..... But sometimes it is so hard. If I'm not prepared it's hard. I really need to think things through in order to make myself clear to someone. He was a very pretty pretty person. And his first words was 'well, then I was right'. Which is not true at all. BEcause I actually loved him. I fell for him and that wasn't planned. I wish that another guy would have done this to me. If you fall for someone and they don't show the same feelings you have to move on. And you can't be friends. Nothing if not very few things are friendly about a process like that. Well it should be friendly but the only friendly thing is to leave the person alone. And I think that I am being respected right now, so that's nice. I'm just glad that I have plans. That I don't suffer...... all that I'm not. Because I don't wanna live in this world. I invent my own. I live in my own time. I don't even care for the moment anymore. Eternity is a timezone that is hard to describe but is best known as mercy and in Morningstar language...' the reality that the hope of glory is amongst us..'

Why am I anxious? Am I really living so hard in a different place that I'm actually scared by the reality?
Or am I trying to distract myself, maybe uncounciously, so that I never face the real things and people around me? Is this a 'defence' mecanism?

“Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part” (Luke 10:41-42). In this instance, Mary had chosen “presence”—to sit with Jesus and be attentive to him

Vampire diaries

2009-12-28T14:20:00.000-08:00

I just watched my first show. The Vampire DIaries put me into a great melancholic mood. And I actually like it. I wouldn't call it a perverse thing though...or I mean..who would care even if it was. But it wasn't. I have to do this. I have to accept this dark part of me. I have to actually cast light over this part of me that has been here for so long. I have to talk to this other girl that I act. I won't be sad forever as the vampire told the girl who has lost her parents. No, I won't. Because if that is the case I'd rather die than live like this. I have put so many things on hold because of this thing. Some people like to say 'ana', 'mia'. And I hate those terms. I don't have mia or and im not a cutter. I have bulimia and I tend to cut myself. And I have done some of it recently some of it has been on hold for a good while. It changes which one of them who wanna grab hold of me. It's not the same always. I depends. This is not easy to talk about with anyone. I've only talked with counselors about this. Very few friends. And if is has happened it hasn't been a very long conversation. I'm afraid of getting measured. I'm afraid that people will decide to judge me wrongly. We must not judge each other...I mean, it's not even ok for me to judge myself. BEcause I'm the worst judge. I'm supposed to live my life. I'm supposed to try to enjoy the game. And sometimes it is seek and hide. And right now I'm supposed to allow myself to enjoy the passions that I love the most. Without letting anyone measure it. I'm supposed to find my own Willy Wonka land and just enjoy it like a little naive child that only responds to....candy - aka love. That's where I want to go. And I want to get out of the fabric just to be told that it's all my heritage. That I will be the owner of it all.

So that's where I'm at now. I'm trying to find my passion. I have all the bricks. I just need to move them smartly. I need to use what I've got because there is nothing I don't have that I could use. Maybe some self-esteem would be nice but I hope it will come as I get into the real deal. the real process. What I'm doing now is just responding to the fear. And I won't crawl my way to heaven. I want to use everything that God gave me on this journey of remarkable oddness.

Bodies

2009-12-27T06:03:00.000-08:00

I think about the school everyday. Biblecollege is so....comfy. Stretching. Safe. Dangerous. Such a funny thing. I thought I would have hated it before i went. I did. And I didn't. I took take it. It really depends what sort of a place you go to. Really.

Bodies in the way of me

Bodies in the cemetery,
And that's the way it's gonna be
All we've ever wanted
Is to look good naked
Hope that someone can take it
God save me rejection
From my reflection,
I want perfection
Praying for the rapture,
'Cause it's stranger getting stranger
And everything’s contagious
It's the modern middle agesWhy did I go?? I wanted a ...sweet escape. And I got it. And now im home. And my life is still a mess. Certainly it is... I mean. Im still dealing with problems. BUt some of them have changed actually. and that is good. Because I don't wanna keep singing the same old song my entire life unless it is really good..

Bible. College. You go...to read the bible. And I did and that was the best part. I just wished that we would be more....spontaneous in terms of reading and studying. I mean in general. Why don't we ever study together?? I wanna do that. That's gonna be my new year thing to do...To study the bible with someone else. Besides...im pretty pretty lonely.. Yep. And that's the same old story. And the same sad song that I just never dared singing. Until now.
You see, when you surrender yourself to God... something happens in your heart.: First, you get it back! You then go to the enemy's camp and you take everything back that was stolen from you. THen you learn how to use it. And thats painful. Because you have to do it. You've got the body. Christ is in that. But you must learn that whenever you're sad you cry and it hurts. And it's scary sometimes. Because if you haven't use that heart for a while you will be surprised. I learn right now how big it is. And i've learned that i can expand it. learn how to love..stuff i hated before.

well whatever. WE're all gay. We are. Im right. we alllll loooooove ourselves. Don't we? WE love people with the same personality, the same preferences. the same taste in music. when we meet someone who is different. we don't like it. we even get uncomfortable. because it is unknown. I met a boy some weeks ago now. And i loved him from first sight. I could tell that we might like the same things. and if not the same things then the way that we loved those things. He was very beautyful and I fell for him. The way I function when it comes to guys is not always pretty...sane...healthy. I betray myself so that I won't have to face the reality. that i loved him. SO I told myself that i didn't have to fall for him. it could just maybe become a friendship. the weird kind but some kind of it. A distraction is a better word for it actually. BEcause that's why I did it. it wasn't true love. Just falling in love. U know the usual 'movielove' thing.
I am supposed to be working on my own stuff. But that is so .... hard sometimes, so i dig into other people. If I REALLy had loved that pretty guy I would have left him the hell alone.
I would have treated him as my brother.
I hate bodies sometimes.
SAve me from rejecting my body, God.
BEcause they're so distracting sometimes and i love distractions.
help me to love good distractions.
help me notice good distractions.
help me to leave the bad distractions in myself alone. Help me to make them sleep so that I don't become a distraction.

Please vanish

2009-12-13T04:04:00.000-08:00

lose all the faith that was binding us together
crush the eggshell and let me out of your weather
Dry like the tear that got lost in my eyes
let me just breathe where my resurrection lies

unwrap my heart for you are impossible
to see and grasp and take in,
without dropping love
so I shut it down
when you were around
to see that a love will always always make a sound.

music in one ear and you in the other
'cause i cannot classify you as a dance so why bother
noises that won't ever leave and now you
voices I won't ever believe, all from you
choices.... i'm not to be achieved, but
thankyou.

THIS VERY OBVIOUS FACT.........loooove you c.s..

2009-11-19T13:11:00.000-08:00

The sources of unbelief among young people today do not lie in those young people…This very obvious fact—that each generation is taught by an earlier generation—must be kept very firmly in mind. …Nothing, which is not in the teachers, can flow from them into the pupils.”

this page is ...brilliant:
http://www.culturesphere.org/culturewatch.php?record_id=762

journal from when i was schooling in the US. old. much of it is still true. so cool to reread...

2009-10-22T11:42:00.000-07:00

Entertainer, rearranges everything....in my surroundings....lalala, she sang as she played her guitar on the floor in her petite room. The house was empty. Very empty. Because when people were gone, it became so empty that she was even afraid of her own shadow. But inside she couldn't see where it went anyway. But that was frightening as well because she was scared. Of what. 'what did I do wrong' she said out loud suddenly. Then she heard back, not a loud voice but still firm, even firmer than her own loud question that did not hang in the air for very long. ' what makes you even think you did something wrong?' But I....she started. But what DID she do? She thought about every rule that she had come up with the past few days and tried to analyze her diet and what she had done with it. She was supposed to have gone healthy. Very healthy. Because when you do something like a cleanse, it means 'cleaning' and nothing less nor more. 'But I had not been following my own prescriptions', she thought for herself. And that made her a bad person. Because that was the way that she judged herself. She did feel that the revelation she got about how she had been thinking about other people was worth it. That she had been judgmental. Disgusted over their 'weaknesses' that she managed to control. But proud was she. That she had had enough will to go through those two weeks. Or 13 days because of the food culture she found she needed to be a part of. No more religiousness, no more restrictions. Things aren't black and white. But yes, they are, for a time. Especially when it's about habits and life style. She wasn't done with the black and white colors. Not yet.

This is not her. It is someone inside of her trying to speak the loudest.

This is her speaking herself about herself and her as an individual - nothing less nothing more

I don't know if all the people who know me come to grip with this part of me,

but I'm not an ordinary entertainer. You can have the passion, the money and the talent: but nothing will come your way (except Paris Hilton, no, not even Paris Hilton) if you dont have anything else besides air, I am very intelligent and I am not afraid to say it. The dumb act is really stupid, people who purposely …...bla bla

I admit to being a complete workaholic. I am so bad at dealing with those days where I am either sick or just very very burned out. Because that happens when you feel like you must keep your ass moving the whole fucking time. But I just like to get 'it' done. And in the future when I get an occupation – either start to seriously make clothing, recreate my own clothe or whatever, or in any other way maybe councel people or muse people or shit like that, I wil like to rake in the money. But foremostly I like to do what I have a passion for which is entertainment. Wether its throwing an amazing party, or making people laugh, or making someone see the beauty in something in which is normally hard to see via pictures or making someone feel more creative and feel and do the right of experimenting with new and different styles this is the business and/ or industry that I was NOT brought up in, but this industry, I would not mind dying there.

I get kind of lazy sometimes, so I have a million ideas, but sometimes I am really and sincerely just way too fucking lazy to take the god damn picture, or make the friggin video, or order the friggin clothes, or arrange the party ideas....I find I always need that extra push and inspiration to make my head fantasies reality.

Ok soo the indi vidual thing

I HATE WHEN PEOPLE LEAVE MY BEDROOM DOOR OPEN!

I can't sleep with lights and noise in the room

my shower is clean and with as little as possible of shit lying around, no dust! Candles are welcome though

I try to not break the law and I thnk about ethics a lot but tend at the same time to live by 'its not illegal unless you get caught', hey no damage, means no damage

Marilyn Manson inspired my clothing and John5 my makeup.

My hair is natural looking, so is my look but thats because im too fat right now to focus on my appereance and to dissatisfied with my appereance

I am a bibleschool student

I want to have done modelling before Im 30

jeg er en punk udgave af Audrey Hepburn

Jeg vil vaere en heavy metal udgave af Marilyn Monroe

I love my coffee and my beers on everydays

I am a fruit lover big big time

I feel the best when I am vegetarian but tend to eat disgusting anyway in the right or wrong company

I have a sexuality but control it the best I can which is a fulltime hard job for a girl.

Most of my friends are dreamy like me, and I tend to loove the boys the best as friends; I mean

girls are way to catty and drama associated for me. I hate boys with long nails and bad relationships to their parents. It makes them discustinly hungry for affection which I am tired to provide for them

I used to sometimes drink and drive so I hate teenagers in cars because teengers are so stupid most of the times.

I would love to find girlfriends who are like me when it comes to being crazy in front of a camera, saying what you want and creating beauty. Must pray I find them

I backed my jeep into a sign last year and was fucking nervous my family was gonna find out. Both my american and my real. They would think of me as sooo ungrateful and stupid.

Ive had a crush on 2 guys this year. No 3. and the 2 of them have treateed me so stupid and bad and not mature at all and the other on kind of ignored my calls for guitarlessons. Scared I guess. I know I scare guys sometimes. Maybe because I tend to seem like I have a lot of power.

I am powerful and I love to beath and smack the religious spirit in its ugly dummy face

I am not and will never be attracked to fat men or the too short ones. Its actually, even though I hate overweightness, even more attractive when women are a little overweight because they (sometimes( know how to work it. Just dont wear skinny jeans if your legs arent skinny pls.

I am not content with my weight but I know that I will be one day.

When I feel healthy and have been that for a while and actually see it in the mirror I am content and confident because I made good choices for myself since I dont starve myself to death.

I starve myself sometimes. Just to make up for it you know. Because Im not healthy 247 yet. Yet I said.

I miss soo much going to the library for myself and drink coffee or whatever. Or the bookstore at Arnold Busk or Studenterhuset because of their GREAT sandwiches.

That help me. It doesnt help me being out there partying and burning out around stupid people that either are in love with me and live in their fantasy world dreaming of me loving them back, or trying to make me fall for them even there is no reason whatsoever why the hell I should

I dont say that it was me as well if friends around me, that dont know it, start talking about how crazy and idiotic it is to cut yourself or have an eating disorder. Fact is: we all do that shit to ourselves one way or another one point in our lives, if not on a daily basis. We cut our hearts to pieces and we diet and we eat crap when our bodies crave something completely else thatn a coke or a hamburger.

I went through a fase when nobody cared. At least they didnt help me when I was out partying and drinking and hanging with the wrong people. Drunk, aimless, depressed because I was fat and lost on a street with no end. I has taken a hell of a lot of time, to get back on track, my body in an acceptable weight and my skin looking a little more like skin and not a collage of groceness.

I love going to the beach at nighttime. Charleston ahhhh. Without Josh its the perfect memory. He was so fucking lost inside of me. And I didnt succed in trying to pull him out. Yeah maybe but he came back.

I wish that boys would write me loveletters of give me something sweet instead of staring at me hopelessly or desperately trying to hang out with me all the time even though I dont want to

I love guys that know how to express themselves and their love for me if thats the case. Not those who dont dare. Someones supposed to do it right? And if im not the one with the feeling why the hell should I do the whole job? I am a fuckin lady so pls treat me as one or go to Hades.!

I love being cuddled. I hate people who dont know how to touch another person appropriately

I hate it when they hit me or slap me on the shoulder as a joke or to get in contact with me.

I hate when they try to rape me. And I hate how they made me hate myself for allouing them to get that far. And I hate when I am not acting responsible because you have to fucking deal with your own stuff or else you'll get forced to it in an unlucky situation.

Ive forgiven my parents for not treating me as a different individual. And for not helping me and giving me what I needed. They have helped me so much and I am forever grateful.

Ive forgiven myself for going such dark places and for wanting to kill myself

Ive forgiven myself for having been cutting my skin for years. And for being bulimic. And for having those thoughts still. Its ok. Everyday is a new day. Also for forgiveness.

I dont wanna party anymore. Not as much as I used to. Maybe only concerts and such events like artstuff and my friends concerts.

I love to drink beers still though and fuck it but I still smoke. Also when Im sick so I guess im still addicted but so fucking what I dont party anymore and im back to god and I dont throw up anymore on a regular basis and im so muych more healthy than I fucking used to be.

I put olive oi on my legs. Lov the softness when I lie in my bed.

I put it in my face too.

I hate to put on the same makeup everyday but I hate looking too natural too. Its boring seen in the mirror of so many possibilities

I love having makeup free days and days with a lot of it.

I will never be attracted to an un-intelectual person.

I love a good conversation with good grammar and intelectualism with a biblical perspective

hugs not drugs1

I a so good at being positive around sad people

im sooo good at lying to myself

I still wanna hide in my room because I feel ugly, boring, uncreative and fat. I could be so much better thatn this. But im still glad that people accept me. It is even better when I open up my mouth and just act like myself. Then they see who I am and I get really good feedback, it might sound silly, but then they comment on how they feel like they get to know me and that feels good.

I can do make up please ask me and ill do it for you. Im good with hair too and clothes.

Emo people that are shy and introverted makes me sad and bored on behalf of them.

I think that everyday is a new opportunity to learn how to express myself and learning is by doing. And it is visible what else is the point????? and I am talking to myself because sometimes I just judge myself all day long for EVERything!

I want to learn how to take really good pictures with a decent camera so that I can present the world from my perspective because I think that thats important to do.

I want to overcome my shyness when it comes to taking pictures with me and people. I am so scared by the thought of putting myself into a plane to get home. And I am so starving after a friend. And I am so ungrateful for not appreciating the friends that I have around me. Just because I don't feel like they understand me. I feel like there is a gap in between us. And I can't deal with the fact that they are younger that I am. Because I am scared that if I said something personal they would get frightened. If I told them how I felt about something they would give up on being my friends. Would it be easier if we were to live together for a little while longer? I don't know. Only that the moment is all that matters to me!

I want to love. To appreciate no matter what I feel like the atmosphere is like. I am a changer. I am different than a problem, an issue in your life. I am an issue that you cannot get rid as long as your negativity is breathing. As long as your hopelessness is walking around you. I will be there. Your hopelessness will feed me and my alertness. I will not be moved by you but by my fathers love. For you, for . And in the weekend. I don't know why I keep staring at them and their style. I can't believe I am not going to school. It is not many hours but those hours are suddenly killing me. And i don't wanna get up in front of people. I am not what I want to be. I don't appear that way. I kinda want to die my hair. Give it something so that it grows faster. Wait for my body to be super the way I want it to be.

2009-10-14T10:01:00.001-07:00

Im gonna die my hair black.

2009-10-14T05:37:00.000-07:00

Sænk osteklokken ned

uden at drikke af vinen

uden at spise af brødet

sænk den ned, luk stemmerne ud.

luk bevægelserne ud

se verden gennem filteret

inhaler - nu er det på dine præmisser

eller, det tror du i hvert fald

Følelse af magt

jeg ejer alt i denne verden, udsigten, asfaltjunglens lugte

det eneste jeg hører at spøgelser - men dem tror jeg ikke på

for en tid.

Sænk osteklokken ned

der er masser af dig selv

jeg fylder det hele

og min stolthed er ved at sluge mig med

sænk den ned over mig

galaktisk plutoiansk ensomhed

bliver høj på det

håber jeg

for jeg savner, håber, jager, elsker, hader

selv mod min vilje

ellers også er den bare stærkere end jeg troede

jeg sagde altid at de aldrig fik hele mig

aldrig fik de mit hjerte

Men jeg havde alligevel heller ikke noget

Påstod det var sort - som ibenholt - femme fatale

Men det var ikke engang hos mig.

2009-10-14T05:25:00.000-07:00

Stuff that I ...dislike:

when leaders believe they can get along talking about the future...without having youngsters among them. Stupid people. As if they're gonna last forever. Why not talk with people instead of to them?? Stupid

When I'm sick and weak and sad(those things go together mostly, in my case at least)) and I am asked about psycho therapy stuff. I mean. When you're body can't even carry you properly there's no reason to make it worse. Go home. Sleep. Come back. DIscuss.

When I say no and they don't listen. Happy to say that it doesn't happen as often as it did before.

Stuff that I love...

When I don't know wether to cry or laugh and then do both. It's such a holy spirit attack or at least it feels like that. I think it is. I see a pattern but nevermind. It's cool.

"To know myself"

2009-10-10T03:52:00.000-07:00

Fell over this. Since I am in the process of forgetting about a person I thought this might help: I look mind-control. It's like wisdom in action.

no more emo. let's dance.

In order to forget about someone fast you must prevent yourself from doing the following actions:

1)Daydreaming and thinking about him. Yes we can’t control our thoughts sometimes but we can limit them

2)Get rid of the gifts, pictures and memories instead of starting in them everyday

3)Remind yourself everyday that its over because unless your mind gets rid of hope it won’t be able to heal (see The anatomy of acceptance).

4)Stop going to the same places you used to go to together

5)Understand the true reasons that made you love him and you might find that it was loneliness, love addiction or even compensation. In this case you need to fix your personal flaws not get him back.

6)Understand that there no such thing as “The one” but rather lots of potential partners whom you encounter

7) Stop listening to sad music, watching romantic movies or anything that reminds you of the wound until you recover. (see The psychological effect of music).

2knowmysef is not a complicated medical website nor it's a boring online encyclopedia but it's a place where you will find simple, to the point and effective information that is backed by psychology and that is presented in a simple and obvious way. If you think that this is some kind of marketing hype then seewhat other visitors say about 2knowmyself.The book "How to get over someone in few days"was released by 2knowmyself, the book is a 100% guarantee that you will get over anyone else you will be refunded.
Want to know more? toknowmyself is what the blog is called. Awesome self-help.

Be like Luna - she studies...

2009-10-07T10:11:00.000-07:00

...and she finds time AFTER school to be wierd, notice things and nerd through odd stuff. Great role-model for me at least...

I now have another project that is going to make me so happy. And I am having some great girls to come over tomorrow and help me make everything sound really good. Can't wait to hear their ideas and come up with some new ones. I have my own material, cover songs... and the visual part I hope to get to do..

The other music project is taking

slow turns and I am now thinking about what artists I want to be the first to contribute. I am gonna making sure all the practical things are in order so Im sparring with the leaders now at that beautiful place. Im secretive but thats ok...

I sometimes get frustrated and discouraged when I think about the Morningstar School and just stuff that brings me down. I just really need people to speak cool stuff over me!

A lot. I don't need to hear that this takes time. To get integrated in Danish society and society in general. I want people to tell me I can do this. And I wanna find people here like the ones that I found over there. Creative inspiring artists and teachers and role-models that I can look up to. And to 'control' me being too emo I must really be organized.

School first please. THen you can be emo and gothic and EVERyTthing and take strolls on cemeteries and all that jazz....

So that's what Im learning now. Especially since I've been in school for 2 weeks now. And so... I feel my weaknesses. Because I have a lot of emotions...a lot of ideas....other sideprojects and their side side projects.... But I'm learning. Thanks God for the housegroup we had las nite. That was pretty cool. I just want to be the muse that brings godly words out there... hitting people's hearts. thats the nicest. prettiest....devinest...yea.

I doubt that where I'm at now is the right place. What if I had continued on the school??! MY life would have been drastically different. Picture.: Moravian Falls, Charlotte, North Carolina. And me!

I know I must trust that GOd really has got me on His knee like in that great song... Besides...the waterfall is still flowing

Warning: this blog is crazy. it's not my fault if you read this..Ok? thankyou.

2009-10-04T01:38:00.000-07:00

Since I do like having a project or two behind the sleeve I will use my first blog to describe the face of'em.....

The first project is....my baby. Yes I finally got pregnant! Well, mum, don't worry this is a serious matter! Because it is about, well, a human being. Or many human beings. Im rambling. Apologies. It's called the worship project. It actually has many names...'.alternative worship event' was the first name we came up with. I am not the boss of this project, OBVIOUSLY, I am just the collaborator. This is how the baby looks like: Once a month in the beginning there will be an event where a band will play whatever music they feel like. As long as it's about worship, they can do whatever. There will be workshops. Band-rehearsal. You know. Exciting things.

So that is what I am currently working on. We have the space to do it. We have resources. And we have will to do it. So it's just about to be executed in the near near future.

In the process of writing to different people for advice and sparring I've received different words. I pray that I will receive more prophetic words from other people, encouragements and simple good advices. But a scripture that I felt really really encouraged by reading was from

Isaiah 57 , 10 'you are wearied in the length of your way; yet you did not say 'there is no hope'. you have found the life of your hand; Therefore you were not grieved.'

The whole chapter is so cool. It's called 'Israel's futile idolatry' and it shows how far out we can get and still be able to get to God's mercy. That's also why I call my blog 'peace, peace to him...' (that's Isaiah 57, 19). Because I don't believe we can go place where out Father is not watching. This is not a normal relationship. This is unlike the other romantic relationships I've been having in the past. We can hurt Him but He won't banish us. He won't leave. Still He is majestic when He says 'there is no peace,' says my God, 'for the wicked.'

Another picture for my worship- project is a ship. I keep seeing that when I pray about it. We have to build it first thought. We have to make it sail. And this is no job for the lonely rider. But lonely riders are welcome to join indeed..

The other project Im working on is and idea about a discussion-forum I want to build where people who have been in bible-college can go and discuss the hardship of being in the ...the world, I guess. SInce I've been in bible-colleges the last 2 years I think I know what I talk about, so I want to create a space for people to let out their fears, doubts, energy and joy about an interesting process where everything in your life has changed. It is a strong matter on my mind and I really want to go through this....with other people around me. It is not good for any man to be alone with probs, that's why Im doing this.