How long time can I go without throwing my love at someone?? It´s just been odd this week. I came to school looking slightly plain. Wearing jeans and suchness. I am actually trying to relax a little bit since I watched Angela in an interview talk about how girls who wanna make it try too hard. They dress distastefully on stage and look too sexy. I´ve been wanting for years to be able to dress more.-...casual. more sexy in a casual way. Oh well. I won´t ever get to where I want to be and maybe that´s healthy. But i do know that there´s a place in my heart and I know that I have to get there for real. It´s like I´ve seen glimpses of it but I´ve never stayed there for long. SOmething always comes up and I go back to old habits or the stage just changes. And I hate that. I have so much discipline. And I strive for it. But it won´t last. I actually cut the setting myself. I decide that I have no more will power left and i get into this anxiety state of mind. Where I become afraid that I lose my mind. Or willpower. A different approach of seeing my...mistakes...or ...not as well-functioning ways of living, is simply the fact that I don´t know how to enjoy myself. Noone can deal with crapdays all the time. Nobody is able to be alone all the time with nothing to look forward to. All days are workdays for me sometimes. No. at all times. Nothing is natural. Too much of everything. Too much of not enough in a way. Because I never get enough of this insanity. This torture. This painful state of mind where I´m never there, never reaching out for a goal, only the process is with me, always learning, never capable of teaching. Oh God. . I´m too old for this. I´m too young for this.
Let´s get real corny. if I was a present I would never be ready to be given away. Even though I do like myself better now. But I know how fast I can sink. I feel it right now. How my muscles hate me after a day with too much of everything. How I ache in my head when I am out of control. How I ache inside when I don´t talk to anyone just to press myself down into the mud. Because I´m too much all the time. Because I know it will hurt when I am social. I spend too much energy. So it hurts. Being with lots of people. I don´t know anything that hurts more than lots of personalities that I´ve all analyzed. To the buttom. I know everything about them. Or else I´m gonna find out. Fast. TO gain control. To..play GOd I guess. To be the greatest in everything. To...stay safe. If I have the right knowlege then I can control everybody. I can tell them why people act the way they do. And that might make the world more peaceful. If we just got along. If we knew each other. It wouldn´t be war
It´s lonely having these psycotic ideas about hów to save the world day by day. Moment by moment. SMile by smile. It´s like I´m often around people that aren´t having these same crazy dreams as I do. I miss that. I´ve found that. Even in this town. Lately. I enjoyed myself. And the mirror I see myself in is cool. sharper. clearer. I wasn´t on the top anymore...I was beeing watched. Those people I hung out with that night were... nice. Open. they expressed their feelings. Even though we didn´t know each other. That´s my kind of people.
Today was a withdrawal day. I can see that in the picture below.
How Do You Feel Today?
0 kommentarer:
Send en kommentar