favoire playlist on yotube

im so active right now. making appointments. i so enjoy being alone in my room i mean...i miss people all the time but its nice to get things done. 

MÅne skrivning/Everybody wants to be somebody

Min computer siger man ikke kan se andet måne end nogle grå skyer. Det er ok. Jeg er i hvert fald oppe.

Jeg sagde en ting til min præst i søndags. At jeg gerne officielt vil lægger det der fra mig med at opdele ting i kasser og sort og hvid kategorier. Og at jeg nogengange enten tænker om mig selv som vildt anderledes eller også er jeg vildt ordinær. Begge er ekstrem umotiverende. Og skaber ikke den mindste kende at tilhørsforhold. Men hvor skule jeg også høre til?

HVad med i en historie af kvinder der tør hvor andre tier. Der tror på sin sag og som kæmper imod det. dem der ikke vil rejse sig for en hvid man. er der ikke også nogle ting jeg ikke vil rejse mig for? hvad med de personer der har kæmper hårdt for at andre skulle have det godt? Hvad med dem, der gennem kunst skaber et enormt vakuum af forståelse, accept og empati? Dem der hjælper andre ved forståelse og ved at give dem fred gennem kunst, skønhed og enfølelse af at hænge sammen med universet.


Jeg skrier dette her, fordi jeg ikkke har mit latterlige hæfte i nærheden. fordi jeg bare har de her ekstremer i mig og jeg føler je gikke kommer nogen vejne. De gange jeg kæmper går det ikke. Jeg vil nu hermed prøve at holde op med at kæmpe. og så gøre de ting jeg er bedst til. sørge for at min energi først og fremmest går til det. Til mine drømme. ikke andres. Mig selv.

Jeg vil kæmpe for ikke at kæmpe???

konflikt inde i mig selv. særlig? normal? hvad hvid jeg skal ud af dete spændingpunkt. indse demonstrationen i mit indre og indse jeg må lave forlig. 

hvad med dem der bare vil vinde?

her et billede fra everybody wants to be somebody

getting dressed.
taking care. being awaRE

lægen sagde at han ville hun skulle sætte pris på livet.

jeg er udmattet.

knust indeni.
forhåbninger. troede jeg kunne sige nej. være stærk. Troede jeg kunne være stærk nok til at passe på mig selv. men jeg havde jo lyst. Men jeg havde jo ingen energi tilbage. Men nu er jeg så træt. Arbejde imorgen. JEg er så ovre i ham. Tilbage. kom tilbage til mig. Kom kom kom tilbage. MIt liv er ingen nydelse. Mit live er sådan her. Besværligt. Det er mit.

Kom tilbage.
Kom og bliv her lidt. inden du forsvinder igen.

Så falsk det er
at skrive her.

så uoverkommeligt det kan være
at ligge der.
og have lyst.

og have lyst til at gå amok i en slikbutik og jeg kommer måske aldrig ud.

jeg mener det. jeg er ikke joker lige nu. jeg er mig. ærlig. hudløs. hvad ellers? min hud er jo skrællet. af. Gud

Er


 Du


Der?

Her??

Du skal. Du skal . Du må. STørre end mig selv

Mere en mig selv

Mere.

Sæt hegnet op igen

vil være der hvor du er.


KOm tilbage. datter. jeg er her. åbne arme.


Tak far



Tak far


Tak

Kan ikke sove.

Har du prøvet?

Nix. Gør det. Gør det nu. syng syng syng det. jeg synger dig til ro. Du er blevet misbrugt. af dig selv min kære. KOm tilbage.


KOm kom kom....og bliv...og sov...og bliv..og hvil og vågn op igen på et tidspunkt. og hvil dig. ...og mærk... mig. 

Housegroup blezzings

We gathered together in an apartment pretty close to where the church is situated. I was ill but showed up anyway. Don´t wanna miss out on too many good things anymore. Want to be there and I sense that this is something good. That I´ve found something real. They were having a snack when I came and I thought...´great´. because Im so not going to. SO worried about my health especially when I´m sick. So worried about what I I´ll do in ´weak´ moments.
I managed to drink lots of water and relax that evening. It was a good evening indeed. We worshipped and I let myself get carried away with my friends son who were as spontanious as a kid can be and we all began singing louder and louder while the atmosphere changed into something I would gladly call ... holy spirit infected.
The videos we watched led my mind astray to what I´ve been doing with my life the last month or so.. Whom I´ve been hanging out with and conversations I´ve had with a person that I would say have a lot of space in my life right now. It seems to me there´s a highter meaning behind that coincidence that we´ve met. It´s obvious to me. And why on earth are we watching a video with a speaker that talks about how religious people can be way out of tune with God and how spiritual people are in tune much more? Why have this boy made me realize so much deeper stuff than I´ve been able to on my own? It´s like it´s both his words and when he calls me something. ANd then it´s his actions and the way that he holds me and hugs me..It´s like those things say more than words. It´s like it´s a chapter that I´ve been imagining I could stay away from. Maybe so that I would not get hurt. Or so that I would not hurt no more. The last one is my favorite one of course. Or, I mean, the most precice.
I am thinking about my way of thinking. Why is everything so unperfect and useless in my eyes? When I see my boy I think that he is .. not perfect, but good for me. When I look myself in the mirror I think that it is good, better and not that bad. I think that I have potential. I don´t think that Im really ´there´. COnfidence attracts me. And I have that. But only enough for others if that makes any sense. Only enough to make up for it when im with people. When Im on my own I don´t have that. Im in lack of everthing which makes me addicted of stuff. Makes me wanna control what I can. Instead of just believing. the thing is that I don´t think my problems are grande enough to betaken serious. and the fact that I am in a group that helps eating disordered girls - is a massive change for me. And the fact that I´ve been on a stage, singing, was something not so common. But yet....in those settings...both the group and the stage...those venues are places in which I feel...whole...like Im not yet there but what does that even matter?? It matters very little in those moments in company with people that really sees me. They aren´ just seing my potential they are listening and watching me furfill my purpose. The truth about me is jumping right into their faces, provoking them sometimes...inflicting their thoughts - in ways I can´t control. I just do what I do best. I do my best. I try to be the most true to myself.

Just like writing these lines. I am furfilling my purpose. I am being true to myself. I can´t do much more can I? I thought about just changing my attitude about things. About being a bitch towards the things that I disgust, dislike and brings me down. I thought about avoiding crap. I thought about starting living for myself. And for the things that I believe in. I thought about searching for meaning. For home. I thought about kicking myself in the but to continue going to those places. I thought about saying no to everything else. I thought about stopping talking to everyone and starting talking to those that I love and that inspirers me and that want to have a relationship with me. Im not shallow enough to be doing the other thing.

I thought about starting to be true to myself. ANd not other people. I thought about a new name for this girl. A new identity. And something that tricks people enough to want to follow me. If they dare I mean. Because you cannot always see who is the hero and who´s not. That´s somehow been my biggest lesson.

hvile

Soaking. Sådan som vi gjorde det i aften. Jeg havde ikke lyst. Stod bare og kiggede ud af vinduet. På det der egentlig var sne. Dejlig mørkt. Dejlig ensomt. Vejret. Skrev nogle tanker ned. Men jeg var så træt at jeg lagde mig ned og overgav mig til den stille musik.Ikke lige min smag. Men at ligge ned og ligge. Det er min smag.
TOgturen. Og en mand der ikke har noget problem med at give. Og han ved han har noget at give. Det rørte mig at han følte sig salvet. ER det ikke antijantelov så ved jeg snart ikke hvad er....

Fyldt af bekymringer om hvad jeg har ret til. Hvor meget space jeg har ret til. Hvor meget det er nødvendigt at jeg tager. OG så det der med at jeg ikke har lyst til at han går. 

truth

i know the peaces fit

because I watched them fall away

But is there a truth now my feeling seem to be the only one

I can count on them always they will always be there for me
when nothing´s clear everything fits.

I think that its kinda funny that everytime i THINk of him...I want him. I really want him. And I could have him. He´s sane. HEalthy i think. Well as healthy as you can be. BUt I know that what we did was bad. In terms of ´not healthy´. To fall in love with someone that fast...scares the hell out of me. He is almost... aggressively into me. He won´t let me go. Not just like that.

It´s cool of course that he´s like that. I respect people who believe in something. But the fact that we haven´t known each other makes everything so... mysterious, unnamable, will he always be untamable? How could this happen to me this fast? I go fro severe loneliness to extreme claustrophobia. 

He´s beautiful. But where´s my heart at...someone would ask...and that would be the truth. 

so childish i can be but those pictures are nice no matter what. 

I dont really wanna hear anything about my parents. Not that. not today.